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Feb. 7th, 2010 | 12:28 pm
mood: refreshed refreshed

It's like an epiphany.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."

It's like it all makes sense now. We create our own realities. Whatever we want out of life, we should go and make it and just do it. Why sit around and sob and wait for things to come to you? What you want out of life is yours to achieve. That is why so many people fail and get stuck in their ways. It's a simple explanation, but it's true. That's why so many people are unhappy. They go through life thinking "I can't." or "I never will" or "the world is a cruel and dark place." That's only true if you let it be true. The world is what you make of it. The world can either be a dark pit of doom and despair or it can be a beautiful place filled with inspiration and enlightenment.

Me...I want the latter. I will have the latter.

This...by far...might be the most important journal entry I've ever made.

When I Wake Up

Feb. 7th, 2010 | 02:19 am
mood: hopeful hopeful

At 2 AM I go to sleep,
Hoping that in the morning,
Everything will be all clear,
And I will not longer harbor hurt.

If I just believe, everything will be okay. I'm sure of this now. I'm sure that eventually, everything will work out and I will know where my path belongs.

When I wake up...I'll know.


Feb. 6th, 2010 | 01:38 pm
mood: hopeful hopeful

I guess I'm a hypocrite. But I honestly didn't think people could change their minds so easily in just...what...a week? Oh well. Your loss, buddy. Ya know, I had high hopes and was fairly happy for once. Just pisses me off at the way it ended. Just pisses me off that dishonesty was involved when I was told that'd never be the case. Almost makes me laugh at how stupid I was.

What's next? I don't know. I'm just kind of winging it at the moment. It's like...I sort of know what I want, but I know what I need, and I probably need to be single at the moment. Considering I'm still very much hurt over what happened.

Life is hard. Complicated. But in the end, I feel like it's worth it. People screw you over, but you bounce back and karma WILL happen. And when it does, I will smile.


Feb. 5th, 2010 | 06:03 am
mood: giddy giddy

I love my job. I love my friends. I love the people I've been hanging out with lately. They all have something new and interesting to add to the table and getting to know people has been exhilarating. The night I just had was probably one of the better ones I've had in a about a month and it was amazing. At this point I'm so ready to go out and be adventurous. I'm so happy right now. I'm just loving life!

I know I sound like a giddy school girl, but I can't help myself! Tonight was amazing and inspiring and insightful and I never wanted it to end.

It almost didn't actually, considering I got home at 5:30 in the morning. lol WHOOPS!!!

Good night. lol


Feb. 3rd, 2010 | 11:47 am
mood: grateful grateful

I use to not know what I wanted. I use to be so confused. But lately I've been given a wakeup call and now I truly know where my heart belongs. I want to hold on to this moment of sureness forever, because it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Maybe tomorrow I will question things again and I will be confused, but right now, in this moment, I know what I want.

You're not perfect. You probably never will be. I never will be! But there is so much about you that makes me happy and all this time, I've been ignoring those things. All this time I was starving for adventure and fun, but it's been there. Getting lost in Johnson City (well, maybe not lost, but it felt like it)...the crazy slip & slide on July 4th...that crazy thing we went to in Pigeon Forge...the haunted house we went to as Gibbs and Abby. Oh, and remember when we went to Splash Country and you and Derek bounced off that slide? lol I mean, there were a lot of times like that, but there were so many times that I resented you for not doing more with me that I neglected to see those things. I was so caught up in that resentment that I failed to notice that this was just the beginning. That more stuff like that could happen. Besides that, we're both poor. How can I expect you to go on crazy adventures with me when we're so broke?

I miss the nights we curled up on the couch watching NCIS or House together. I miss how you wouldn't watch the next episode of Hell's Kitchen until I had time to come over, even though the suspense was killing you. You were so good to me, but I felt like I was never good to you. I hurt you in so many ways and those ways I can't take back.

Still, you tell me that you still love me and you still want me. You tell me that I must prove to you that I truly want this, which is why you're making me stay single. I understand this and I agree.

When this turmoil is over, I intend for things to change. I will learn to be happy for you and I will be there for you in the same way you've been there for me. When the dust has settled, I know what things will become and the worst part right now is waiting.

I love you so much Russell Pierce Trotter. I've loved you for a whole year, whole-heartidly, and just haven't truly realized it until now. But I intend to realize it. And stick by it. No matter what. <3

Fine Fine Line

Feb. 2nd, 2010 | 10:57 am
mood: confused confused

If you want something, just go for it.

If you're sure of something, hold on and never let it go.

If you love somebody, tell them.

The worst that could happen? It fails. It rebels. Or you're rejected.

Use your best judgment of course.

But go for the things you want now, because life will not wait around forever and people don't like getting hurt.

You gotta go after the things you want
While you're still in your prime,
There's a fine fine line between love,
And a waste of time.


Jan. 30th, 2010 | 11:53 am
mood: awake awake

And with that note, it seems I'm done. How funny. Ya know. I try. I really do. But I know what I want and hey, look at that, it's not what you want. Funny how things work out this way. Funny how in these moments, you know who your true friends are. You know who will be there for you in the end. You're tired of all the lies and stupidity and you're ready to just grow up. You find people who are ready to do the same, and those are the people who stick by your side. You're tired of dealing with immaturity. You want something new. Will you ever find someone who completes you?

The answer, is yes. However. You're still single. You still have to sort things out. By yourself.

Might as well live it up.

You Lost the Game

Jan. 28th, 2010 | 02:35 pm
mood: creative creative

And one by one, they lose the game,
Until only one will remain,
Down, down, they spiral into the depths,
Of my memories.

Another challenger appears,
But it is you who's always near,
So you best watch your step,
If it's me you're after.

I can make you trip,
I can make you fall,
In the blink of an eye,
You'll be gone.

And one...will remain.


Jan. 27th, 2010 | 12:16 am
mood: thoughtful thoughtful

I've found throughout my life that movies lie to you. Things are complicated at first, but normally, always resolved at the end. The family's reunited with each other...the good guys win the war...the guy gets the girl. You end up thinking that this is the way things should be, and you search and you search for your happily ever after. But that's the lie. The movies make you believe that you'll get your happy ending and you don't. Instead, you're left feeling empty, or maybe at best, satisfied momentarily until your next crazy adventure.

There is one thing that movies don't lie to you about though...the plot always gets more and more complex. And just when you think things are about as complicated as they'll get...

...it gets worse.


Jan. 25th, 2010 | 11:07 pm
mood: annoyed annoyed

Is it too much to ask for a little bit of intellectual stimulation every now and then? I just want to find someone who can and will talk to me and listen to my opinions and want to share theirs. Which begs the question, just...what the hell happened?