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In the Moment

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Sep. 26th, 2010 | 11:27 pm
mood: thoughtful thoughtful

People need to keep their nose out of other people's business...and if they can't do that, then they shouldn't be so quick to judge. But then I question whether or not I am a hypocrite by saying this by proxy? Does that make sense?

They demonize me for the wrongs I've done. Just because they wouldn't go about the situation the same way or they think they know how I feel.

The truth is, nobody knows what in on in me and Russell's relationship except for me and Russell. Nobody knows how I felt the entire time except for me...and yes, I told him. Several times. I'd tell him nearly once a week. "Russell...I love you...but I don't see this going anywhere. What's going to happen when I get out of college?" He told me I worried too much and that I needed to just focus on the now.

So I tried it. I worked hard. I went to school. I went to work. And I'd call him up again. "Russell...let's do something. Let's live in the moment. Let's go somewhere."

"No. I've got a raid tonight." Or "I don't really want to."

I get bored easily. I told him this. Some of the happiest moments I had with him were things we did that were out of the ordinary. Like when we had a slip n slide party. Or when we went to Gatlinburg. But those moments were few and far between...and most of the time involved his friends.

Before I knew it, I was growing unhappy. There was no "in the moment." And there was no "future." Anytime I suggested he go back to school or we move somewhere other than Knoxville, he'd get fidgety. "I like my life here." He told me. "Maybe one day I'll move, but for now, I like it here."

Not knowing something drives me crazy. There is no guarantee of the future. Why put it off?

I could never understand his mentality. He didn't want to go back to school cause he wanted to get out of debt first. He wanted to wait for these things. He acted as if he had all the time in the world.

I don't. And I know this. I can't be with someone who isn't taking control of their life and he KNEW this. The whole year and a half we were together, I told him that I needed someone who was going somewhere. Who had direction. He convinced me that all you needed in a partner was love and that nothing else mattered.

And I know from true experience that it DOES matter. Life is not a fairy-tale!

You think I'm immature? You think I need to grow up? Maybe you should stop judging everybody and look at your own God damned actions for once. And just because you think you do nothing wrong don't look at yourself as the patron saint of perfection and think it gives you permission to talk down to people.

I am NOT a bad person. I REFUSE to put up with as much bullshit as I have from those people. People I actually cared about at one point and thought were my friends. People I worked beside and would have given my left leg for. People like Hanna, Ellen, Dylan, Jenny, Keith. People who I thought were good people who apparently have nothing better to do than to berate someone who lives 200 miles away now.

And just so we have the entire story straight, I met Jeremy three years ago at about this time when I was dating Matt. Me, my old friend Jeff, co-worker from Portrait Innovations, Christina, and Jeremy all went to the haunted corn-maze. At the time, I still had feelings for Jeff from high school and wondered if anything would become of it. Instead of that happening though, Christina and Jeff got together and Jeremy ended up falling for me and I fell for him, but of course, I was with Matt, so I was too scared to break off that relationship because I thought it would go somewhere. I chose Matt over Jeremy and always regretted the choice I had made. Every once in a while I would think back to that and ask myself "why didn't I go out with him? He was a great guy and we're a lot alike."

Flash forward to last weekend at AWA, I'm single, and Jeff happens to mention it to Jeremy. So Jeremy hunts me down and we hang out for a good part of the weekend. I come to find out that he didn't hate me like I thought he did and that he actually still liked me. I figured it was too much a coincidence to not take the second chance I was given.

So here I am today with a great guy that yes, lives in Knoxville, but who has a direction in life and shares many of the same interests as me, and you know what? I'm happy. I'm really happy but these feelings of guilt that are being instilled in me by people who have nothing better to do than to make me feel bad. And maybe this is all too good to be true and it won't last and then you'll all be laughing. But who really would win in that scenario? Honestly?

I'm not the bad guy here. In fact, nobody is. I'm sorry that I hurt Russell. I hurt him throughout our relationship, more than you could possibly know. It's something I live with. But I'm not the bad guy. I'm not a bad person. I've just finally learned what it means to get caught up in the moment.

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