"Watashi no Story"

Wait for Me

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:50:54 GMT

With a car that worked not even half the time, school bearing down on me, a tired soul, and a hungry heart, I felt the weight of misery on my shoulders. The date was October 5th, 2009, and the day changed my life. Every single thing that day made me more and more miserable, so as I sat, feeling quite hopeless in my geology lab, I made an effort to bring everyone down with me, including my loving boyfriend, Russell.

But that's not who I want to be.

When class was over and I went out to deliver pizzas, I kept to myself most of the night. Even my boss knew something was wrong as he asked me repeatedly if I was okay. When I told him, I'm fine, he didn't buy it. "I know what women mean when they say that, I've had four sisters. Don't give me that bullshit." I shrugged. "Just don't do anything stupid." He told me. I wanted to cry. I had already made up my mind.

As I drove, I decided I was fed up. I was fed up with the car, fed up with my life, fed up with my money...all hope was lost. I was going to drive my car into the lake off Northshore. If I was going down, that piece of shit was going with me. And if I chickened out, at least the car would be rid of.

Along the way, I felt as though something was guiding me. Something I couldn't control. My grief. Russell called me and knew something was going on. He wouldn't leave me alone until he figured it out...until I told him where I was going. A lot told me that I shouldn't tell him...but one little hidden message was telling me to let him in. I told him where I was, and he was there in no time.

He held me close as we looked out over the water, and I suddenly felt reborn. I felt hope. I felt happy. With him, I felt protection. He even made me laugh when I told him about one of Dr. Francisco's students. They killed themselves after watching the Matrix, but they had a lot of psychological problems. When I told him that we had just watched the Matrix, he told me, "you were going to do that to him AGAIN?" I laughed. I would have felt bad though.

I thought back to that moment yesterday, and I realized gravely, I had not broken up with somebody. I had not put a stop to a bad relationship. But instead, I gave up my all time best friend and lifetime partner. After much talking, I knew what I had to do.

I returned to that place, to find hope. Nearly five seconds after I arrived, he was there (I told him I'd be there of course). "You wouldn't have come to this place if you wanted to be alone." Duh. He held me and once again, I felt hope. Slowly, I knew everything was going to be okay. He told me he needed time. It made me sad, but I knew he would come back to me. In that moment I knew we had grown an unbreakable bond. It could not be shattered easily by petty arguments, temptations, and stress. Perhaps, broken a bit, but never shattered. Always mend-able and always there.

When I kissed him there, it felt as though I was kissing him again for the first time. It felt like we were starting over.

"I need time." He told me. "Promise you will wait for me?" He asked with tears in his eyes.

"I promise." I said, with sadness still, but now full of hope. "I will wait for you."

One night of fun might be just that...fun...but a love like we have is always worth waiting for.

Dear Jimmy, John, and Joseph,

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:51:19 GMT

Do you honestly think I'm stupid? I've dealt with your kind before. I've dated your kind, slept with your kind, been friends with your kind, and after carefully disecting every inch of your character architype, I laugh in your face. Not only am I a writer who is suppose to understand how personalities work, I spent a year and a half trying to prepare myself for a full lifetime with you. Despite my best efforts, I discovered that I couldn't do it, and nor did I want to.

Let's put you in the spotlight for a second...I mean, that's what you want, right?

There you are, under the black light so that you glow in an "oh, woe is me" sort of way. You bring gloom and despair with every step you take, killing any mood around you just by being there. Then you go and make things worse by opening your mouth. "I hate my life," you'll say. Or you preache that "life is just a bunch of disappointments."

Remember that scene from Metal Gear Solid 3? "This world is one of sadness. Battle brings death. Death brings sorrow" So sad. *cuts wrists* That's what you are, okay? But THEN!!! Oh THEN is the good part! You'll go and do all that, and wonder why no one likes you! Um, news flash: People like to be happy! People won't respect you or want to be around you if all you do is make them miserable!!!! It's quite simple, really.

Now that we've gotten that emo-ness out of the way. Let's move on to why we think you do this. It can't HONESTLY be to make friends. However, there are some suckers out there with bleeding hearts who will pull you into their bosom and stroke your head, cooing "ooooh, you poor poor baby." And that is exactly what you want. Except you want the "stroking head" part to change in about five minutes as you move in for the kill. I know what "let's just play some pool" means. I know what "you're missing out." means. I even know what it means when you play like you're not interested. I know how the jealous card works. "Oh, Amber is so hot." or "my ex really knew how to kiss."

See, I just can't understand why you people just can't be honest. Or even nice, for that matter. I can't understand why you can't TRY to be happy. Cause you know a happy guy is much sexier than a depressed one.

In conclusion, you are depressed and miserable because you choose to be. I'm tired of being "nice" to your kind. Every single person I've dealt with of your kind. Maybe I'm bitter because I've become just what you are. Because I listened to you so much now that now I believe what you told me. I believe what you brought me down to be, and it's slowly eating away my current happy relationship. But you know, I don't need your approval anymore. I don't care if I'm a 10 because to me, that means nothing. A 10 is a stereotype and there is no such thing as perfection. If you were to rate me on ambition and personality, I'm easily a 200. Uniquness I am a Q396d, which is a madeup number because you cannot "rate" uniqueness and you cannot rate a person! And if you want to go into stereotypes, then your's is the worst of all. It says so here in your personal file: Unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too.

Grammar-Nazi-ism

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:15:51 GMT

Hi, I'm Megan, and I write. I write a lot. About everything. I write letters and screenplays and stories and on Facebook and even in this journal...well, not enough in this journal. I've written stuff for school and home and work and when I do it, I do it well. Words come naturally and grammar is my forte.

So when I hear about the English 1010 freshmen who are told to write something about a book and all it says is "cole (coal) mines are sum scery shit!" I worry. I cringe. I am filled with despair. English 1010 is a college level class, by the way. I want to go cry in a corner and pray, despite my agnosticism, "God, please save these poor, grammar-less souls!"

Okay, now I'm just being over-dramatic.

I have no right to preach, my first paragraph was grammatically incorrect. Some things out there you can write and it doesn't matter what you do. Like texting. If you text me something and it's "wrttn lik dis" then I don't care. As long as I can read it. But when you write "dat wuz a gud book" on a test, you deserve the fullest penalty of grammar-nazi-ism that can be mustered. So go on and cry to mummy that your English teacher gave you a D on the test, you're lucky to have gotten that.

Where was I going with this? Oh, that's right, not really anywhere.

Except that I am proud of myself. Full of pride, I am. For why? For my happy mechanical use of grammar. But the bar is set lower than I had thought, so should I really be proud? Or should I just acknowledge that I need to keep learning and move on?

I feel as though I am a good writer. Not only that, but a broad one. My final project in English 1020 was roughly 12 pages long. It was about a girl who was stuck in the time of the "Plague" and in the end, she tragically dies after realizing that all her life was spent selfishly feeling sorry for herself. The screenplay I just turned into Dr. Francisco was a dark comedy about a girl who fails at suicide, and then decides to do something about her misery, but just ends up in more trouble. The book I'm writing is about a war on earth between angels and demons and one demon completely loses his memory and must realize through discovering his past who he is. Not what he's done, but who he is. Oooooh, that's deep! So is broad good? Hmm.

I also wonder if I should just be a creative writing major. I don't know if my writing style would be reflective of a career in journalism. But I guess we'll see with this next News Writing course.

In other news, do you wanna date my avatar?~~ I hope I have enough money to splurge on myself this paycheck. I want to play WoW.

Stomach Bug '09

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:11:08 GMT

The last time I actually had a stomach bug was all the way back in '02. If you recall, journal, it was the day after I had told Jeff that I liked him. That whole day I was a nervous wreck and then again the next. I stayed home the next day since I hadn't had a break in a while and ended up getting sick. Really sick.

Well, on Sunday night I was in-store and absolutely stressed out from not having a car and freaking out about when I was going to get out. I threw a fit (I know, real mature) and eventually got to leave. Hey, it's not my fault the in-stores are slower than crap. ><

So anyhoo, I'm starving and me and Russell get some food to go and I'm just about to eat it when I get the stomach ache from hell. Literally. So basically I got to experience stomach bug '02 all over again.

My point being is that I realized each time I've been in a high stress situation. I just wonder if that's what triggers it or if it's just a random coincidence.

Either way, I've got my every 5 to 7 year stomach bug out of the way. :P Phew!

That, and I have a 2005 Kia Rio. Who's happy? Meg-chan's happy.

Supernanny

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:56:13 GMT

Watching Supernanny really makes me want kids. Should have the opposite effect, but it really doesn't. :P

Paranoid

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:48:49 GMT

I need to stop being so paranoid. I'm ruining everything good. And really, at this point, it's all I have left.

Uh...what?

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 05:12:54 GMT

ZOMGIHATESCHOOLANDHAVINGNOTIMETODOANYTHINGRAWRRAWRRAWRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.

Rock Bottom

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:19:22 GMT

Every aspect of my life is falling apart. One by one, I am helplessly watching as it all crumbles. My job, my car, my school, my room, my happiness. I'm just waiting to see what will follow. Logic says my love life, but maybe it'll be something like my health or friends. Wow. I've really hit rock bottom haven't I? Problem this time is, I don't know if I can get back up.

AWA

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 03:55:54 GMT

Livejournal? I has times to make entry? REALLY!?

Barely!

Ok, I just got back yesterday from AWA. I was suppose to get back Sunday night, BUT MY CAR BROKE DOWN!!!!

I'm shocked I have time to write. But here goes my life over the past few months in a few paragraphs and we'll see how far we get. Also, I'm watching Stephen Colbert so I'm distracted.

OK. First. AWA. I got there fairly early so I sat in on the opening ceremonies and got to see Vic and then I met my friend Kevin in his room and chilled a bit there and then I found Becky and her friend and then I went to check in and blah blah blah. I started out dressed as Edward Elric but soon changed to Misa Misa of Death Note.

So that was friday. Fairly boring, but good. I got drunk that night and all was well with the world. Tequila really does make your clothes fall off, so it was a good thing I didn't drink more than I did. 0.o Most people told me I had an "exciting" outfit as Misa Misa. lol

Ok, so Saturday sucked ass so I don't have much to talk about with it except that I missed half the convention going to get a new pair of glasses since I lost my other ones!!! ARGH.

Sunday was a good day because I ended up buying some cute stuff and I met Vic Mignogna, showed him my tattoo, and got him to sign stuff and take a picture with me. Vic gives good hugs. REALLY good hugs. And he smells yummy.

And then it was off to more booths where I ended up meeting Little Kuriboh, creator of Yu Gi Oh Abridged. Yes. I really met LK. He came here all the way from the UK. It was AWESOME. And he is so nice. And hot. Yes. I said it. He did voices for me. Imma post that soon. I'm sure I made him feel like a monkey. DANCE MONKEY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So all my friends left me there and I wandered a bit before attempting to go home. I say attempt because I stopped in Chattanooga and ate and then when I got back in my car, it hated me. The lights refused to work so I pulled over and lo and behold, it doesn't turn back on. My battery was dead and my alternator was shot. So I rented a room next door to the gas station and Russell came to rescue me and together, we rode home. But I missed classes on monday which is gay. I was trying to get caught up and I ended up screwing myself. Oh well. At least my car now has a new alternator.

Next step? Becky is thinking of going to a convention in November. I suppose it's possible, but there's one in March I'm def. gonna try to make. And of course, I'll be going back to AWA next year.

But short term wise, I'm going to find a new job. I'm tired of putting myself in danger out there delivering pizzas. Two wrecks in a year and a half is not cool. And I'm hoping to make more money. After that it's paying off my debt, buying a new car (I can has mini coop convertible? How's about a cabrio? Echo?), and organizing my room.

And now it's time to sleep. I def. have to make it to school tomorrow. >

Manual

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:38:04 GMT

Good God. My life is a constant wave of nonstop crazy. And I over-react to it so well. I wished so much to get rid of my car. Well, I got rid of it. Somebody rear-ended me. My car was totalled. I thought, for sure, this will be easy. I'll just get a new car. Well, that proved nearly impossible. Actually, it was impossible. There was nobody who would finance me. No one. Except those buy-here, pay-here's that want to charge you three times the amount. I had $900ish so I decided to put an ad on craigslist. I got several cars, and finally one about a 92 Dodge Colt. Everything about the car was perfect for my situation right now. Great gas mileage, fairly low mileage, new timing belt, white, two door. It was like the CRX with a Dodge title. There was one problem:

It was a standard transmission.

Scared shitless, I bought the car anyway. That was monday. Come friday, I can drive it, not perfectly, but I can drive it. I should be proud of myself.

But I'm not.

For some reason, all I can do is cry and think of oh, woe is me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing great. Russell keeps telling me I'm doing so much better than normal. He didn't expect me to learn so quickly.

But I don't feel like I am. Why do I feel like I should know it and be perfect at it or not at all? I want an automatic transmission so bad. I want to just go back to normal, but I can't. Today, I panicked and left work. I did fine. I stalled out on Cedar Bluff, but I got it going. It's so embarressing stalling out. But that's really all it is. Embarressing.

So why do I feel this way? Why do I panic at the slightest wrong move? Why do I overreact to the simpliest mishap.

I don't know. But in order for me to do this, it needs to stop.

I feel so lucky to have the support group I do. I also know that if I was still with Matt, I'd probably feel a lot worse. He didn't have any faith in me at all. He wouldn't even let me drive his car or tell me how to drive it. Russell has more faith in me than I have in myself.

God, I love that man so much. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I don't even think he knows.

I just want to cry all day. I really wish I would just get over this.

I need to get over this so I can go back to work and make money so I can get out of debt. My debt has gotten out of control.

Maybe if I start thinking of why this is a good thing.

Let's think of it this way:

Owning and learning this car has these benefits:

1. I can drive Russell's car now in case of an emergency.
2. I can drive any car out there if I need to.
3. I get better gas milege.
4. I have my options open when I get another car.
5. I don't have a car payment.
6. Insurance is hella cheaper.
7. I have control over the car...well, I will.
8. When I don't stall, it's actually kind of fun.
9. I feel...empowered...and special. Like I always look around and think, "bet those people don't drive a manual." lol

Maybe I should just get a bumper sticker that says "Caution: Learning to Drive a Manual." lol But I have this feeling by the time I actually get it, I'll be fine. :P

Maybe...just maybe...this isn't as life-threatening as I thought.

I Find it Funny

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 02:41:00 GMT

I find it funny how his new girlfriend is so much more like people he dated in the past, yet nothing like me.

I find it funny how in one of their pictures, he's wearing the shirt I bought for him.

I find it funny how every other status update on her part is how things keep crashing and falling apart.

I find it funny how happier I am now, and even with the few bumps and me overreading everything, me and Russell's relationship is not nearly as dramatic (with the exception of that HUGE bump that should not be named).

I find it funny how she can't even mention she loves him, even if she does, or it all "falls apart."

But best of all, I find it funny how unfunny this situation really is, and how history is just repeating itself. Same shit. Different broad. Me = much happier.

Take my advice, honey. Get out while it's easy, and you will save yourself a ton of mental anguish, for you cannot change this crazy mother-loving psycho.

By the way. I'm alive. Just uber busy. Facebook gets updated more these days anyway.

Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sun, 03 May 2009 06:47:34 GMT

You know the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"? I always thought it was a stupid song. I didn't see what was so romantic about it. I don't know why. I just didn't understand it.

That is, until tonight. Now I can't stop listening to it. I love him so much, journal. I don't want to ever have to give him up, no matter what. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'm more than happy. Even if it's hard sometimes and I still doubt. I still know that everything's going to be okay...that he'll be there for me and carry me through. I really look up to him. He's so much stronger than I am. I could go on. But here:

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

Breakdown

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:48:53 GMT

I'm worried. I'm thinking. I'm lost. And I don't know why.

I feel kind of disoriented. I don't feel like myself.

The other night I had a mental breakdown. I stood in the shower and powerful thoughts overcame me. Thoughts of just...ending it.

When I realized what I was doing, I burst into tears and dropped to the ground. The moment intensified. The running water turned into what sounded like a symphony, crescendo-ing into a dramatic scene. I turned off the water and tore through the curtains. I needed to get out of there. The sound filled my ears and turned me deaf.

I sobbed to myself and I knew I couldn't be alone. I called a friend. No answer. I texted Russell and he was there. Took a little bit, but he was there. So I sat with him in my room and I spilled my soul. Every thought and worry I had had.

Russell is not much of a talker normally. But if I need to say something, he'll always listen. I learned that well that night. He listened to me despite the redness in my face and he laid with me and helped to not only calm me down, but make me feel better. I opened up to him in a way I rarely open up to people. I let him know who I really was.

He is the most understanding person I have ever been with. And for that alone, I am more than grateful. As a worrier, I need someone I can talk to. I need someone who I can sort things out with and who will listen. He does exactly that.

I don't think I could be more happy. I'm still worried...still a little crazy...but I am happy.

Ambition

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 14:08:47 GMT

I have gone through life meeting different people. Some I have met I have become jealous of, because of what they've accomplished or who they are. Some I have met I pity, because they have given up on a dream or even life itself. Some have no direction. Some don't care. Some are happy as a blue sky and others could dwell in the rain. But amongst the many people I run into every day, where do I stand?

I feel as if I have been in darkness. Not only from the world and reality, but from myself. I have underestimated my abilities. I gave up on a dream of pursuing music, but by giving up, I have set up another dream...and I have more confidence than ever. I still have my doubts, but for once, I feel comfortable. In my creative writing class, I am not in a corner, hoping to get my part right as I sing or play my violin. I don't try out for a solo and land on my face. I don't embarrass myself in front of a large crowd at Dollywood because I actually CAN'T sing (although I still blame that day on lack of water and microphone). Instead I march up to the front of the classroom to read the first page of the prologue of the novel I'm working on and I read with confidence, gaining only positive feedback and triumphantly march back to my seat. I go back through my writings, roleplays and journal and sheepishly realize how silly I've been, forking around to try and find my niche, when all along, it was staring me in the face! I've been doing my "niche" since 2001, when I started this journal. When I would get on the internet and join rp sites or rp with Itzel. Writing is where I belong and I am ashamed to admit that lately I have not been doing it enough.

I now have a confidence and ambition in myself that I have yet to see. Finally I see a wonderful future for myself. I've been looking into journalism, and have decided that I could accomplish a lot through it. Journalists can travel all over the world for research and stories. My writing will take me places. My writing will provide a life I want for me and my future family (as well as my current family). My dreams are coming true with every word I type. I'm going to Ireland in less than a month. When I am there, I will document every breath I take, every seat I sit in, every thought, every movement, every single significant moment. That is the start of my career. That will be the breaking point.

But the rest of my life starts here. Right now. In my very apartment. And it's going to start with me making breakfast.

Opinions

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:09:02 GMT

I just remembered that when Matt said something about his opinion on something, and mine opposed it or I had a different view, I would normally keep my mouth shut. I think it was because I didn't want to get into a fight, because really, that's what most of our fights were about. We'd have different views and we would quarrel. But it wasn't like the way me and Russell sometimes quarrel, it would get really bad and we'd nearly break up (or would break up). Either that, or I'd listen to his opinion, take it to heart, and then think about it later. It wasn't until I could think about it on my own time that I could form my own opinion. I do this sometimes. For example, I remember one time he mentioned how Bill Clinton had done something so horribly wrong by what he did to Hillary that he needed to get on his knees and beg the nation's forgiveness. This seemed...illogical to me. People make mistakes and though I agree that Clinton made a big one, no lives were lost. If you ask me, Bush needs to do something of that nature a bit more than Clinton would ever need to. The only person that he needed to apologize to was Hillary, not the nation. I just don't feel like personal affairs should get in the way of business, and even a presidency can be considered business. I may not be smart, but I do view the world in my own unique way. :D

Speaking of business, I should take my own opinion to heart and try to resist the urge to run up and hug Russell after he comes in from a run more. >> <3!!!!!

Love

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:12:50 GMT

As I sat writing the last bit of books down that I would take with me on a deserted island (project for Creative Writing), my phone sang and I opened it. I knew what the text message would say. The words that I could wait days for.

"I love you."

I relished the moment and the feeling inside me, wondering how I could have been so upset and angry earlier. It's all almost too perfect. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I need a reminder. Sometimes those simple words are just enough.

Live in the Moment

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:32:54 GMT

I posted that for two reasons. One, because it's funny and catchy, and two, because of what the father says.

"Kelly...what are you going to do with your life?" He asks.

"I'm going to get what I want!"

Hmm. Good philosophy. But what if you don't know what you want? What if you're one of those people that has spent the last 22 years of her life trying to figure out just that? You run around, playing with your brother and coming up with plots and wonderful stories, better than those you watch on Saturday morning cartoons. Therefore, you're going to be a writer! But wait, then you discover you love animals and you wanna take care of them! Veterinarian! No, too squeamish. You go off and decide to take up violin in middle school. You're going to be a musician. High school comes along and you roleplay with friends on the internet and discover you love art. You draw anime and Disney versions of your characters and bingo! You're going to be an animator! No, that's not it either. You quit that and you get back into music. Violinist! Singer! Broadway star! Orchestra conductor! High school orchestra teacher! Not good enough, still not good enough, never will be good enough, can't get past theory, and the education system just doesn't appeal to you. You move on to video production, having had a pleasurable experience with a film you made for TSA. Got scared and ran off. Photography? Nah, too stressful. Back to writing...English? Well, what would you do with it? Psychology? Are you emotionally stable enough? So after an EXHAUSTING round of elimination, you discover...wow, you just can't find anything that suits you! Do you, A.) Kill yourself now or B.) Just give up on life, become exactly like your parents, and live in poverty, looking back all the time wishing you had figured everything out when you were young?

Nope, the answer is none of the above! You go to Borders, pick up a copy of "Choosing a College Major for Dummies," order a small chocolate/cherry Javakula, sit down and flip to exactly the right spot. COMMUNICATIONS!

You look at it and think, BINGO! That's it! That's exactly the major I've been looking for! And then you actual read it and discover that no, it's not, your personality does not that at all.

But while staring at the page you discover just how silly it is that you've been brooding over what to choose as a major, just like you brood over whether or not you're with the right person, or if you should have saved that money you just spent on that small chocolate/cherry Javakula, or whether you should have moved into your own apartment, or how little you own compared to your 28 year old boyfriend who's lived longer and has more history with his friends than you do.

You don't know what you want to do with your life because you spent too much time worrying over whether what you're doing now is going to affect your future. Because you are not living in the moment. Because when you meet a guy and have a cup of coffee, you wonder immediately whether he wants to have an outdoor wedding or name at least one of his sons Jack. You take a class at Pellissippi and kick yourself in the ass because you can't use it for the major you've changed a million times already (nor any future majors). You order a steak at Applebees and wish you ordered chicken. But if you had ordered the chicken, you would have wished you ordered steak.

You shut the book and realize that this sort of thing you can't go looking for. You can pick a major but you can't really plan your life that way. You can't really make your future happen. It just does. It may even happen after you've chosen and stuck with a major and graduate college. You may realize that what you're meant to do with your life won't necessarily come from making the right choice for a major. You can't make marriage happen. You can't make a family happen. You can't make a bunch of neat things in a nice house happen. Not overnight at least. You can't plan everything out exactly the way you want. Not saying you should just be apathetic, but obsessing is not the answer.

So what do you want to do with your life? Live in the moment, that's what.

Exhausting

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 16:59:27 GMT

I had an exhausting day yesterday...worth it, but exhausting. As I was driving, I kept telling myself, maybe I should pull over. The sky is really dark and there WAS a tornado warning. But I thought, nah...it'll be okay. I'll just drive through it.

A few more minutes later, traffic slows and I can't see anything. Lightning and red brake lights become the only thing I can see, and my thoughts immediately go to "Oh God. I'm going to die." I don't die, of course, but I began to feel fear like no other. What does it feel like to be in the middle of a tornado...if that was what that was...and was I about to find out? Would I piss my pants or vomit uncontrollably? Just thinking about it, I almost did. I was so scared. Luckily, I finally made it home...thanks to Russell and Jenny.

It made me wonder, however, if I couldn't even bear that, how am I gonna react going to another country? I've never done that before. The plane ride is going to be crazy...and long.

Well, I'm cutting this short. I'm hungry and tired and gross and I still have to finish a paper for class. Did I also mention I'm broke as hell right now? Oh well...

Worthless

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:23:29 GMT

I got up this morning to go to school. I got in the shower and was thinking of how messy my apartment was, hoping maybe I could straighten up before I went. I got out and had just enough time if I really pushed myself. But I didn't. I laid in bed and got on my computer and fooled around until it was 10. So I decided, fuck it, I'm not going to school, I'm going to get stuff done! Well, I sorted clothes, made breakfast, picked up my room just a tiny bit, and jumped back on the computer. And now, here I am, two hours later, having accomplished very little and just lying in bed. It's been approximately three months since I've moved in. I still have stuff in boxes. Three months! My apartment is a mess and it's all because I spend the majority of my time laying around doing nothing. I dropped my gym membership because I have no free time...no, no willpower to get up and go. I vowed to write at least 300 words a day for my books. That was short lived. I wanted to sell the Grand Am months ago. Hasn't happened. I got $1000 refund but most of that went towards bills cause work has been sucking lately. I'm tired all the time, cranky, over-emotional, busy, stressed, and just want some kind of change. That's why I thought Ireland would be good for me, but you know what, that might not happen either. I'm not motivated to do anything. I can't go home cause I'm on a lease and even if I could, I wouldn't want to, because I am not happy living with my parents. But staying here, I could dig myself deeper into debt and just...ugh. I don't wanna think about it. I feel so lazy and worthless and I have nobody to blame but myself.

Future

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:15:42 GMT

I feel better now than I did when I last updated you, journal. Things have worked out in my mind, although there will always be doubt and uncertainty, I am fairly happy. I am very happy, in fact. I'm looking forward to the future. Sometimes, I still miss the past. Holly and Steven's wedding the other day reminded me of all the things me and Matt had planned...or maybe we had never planned them, I just dreamt them up and thought they would work well. But that's the past now. It is merely something that could have been cool, and when you think about it, I only had looked forward to what we could do with the wedding, not necessarily what a lifetime together would have brought. With where I am in my relationship with Russell now, I can only look forward to what our future can bring for us. I tend to forget that me and Matt as an "us" was brought on by a history together, something me and Russell haven't quite made yet, but it keeps getting more fulfilled everyday. The two months we've been together have brought me nothing but joy. We haven't even had a fight yet (knock-on-wood) and we get along so well. I love him. I'm honestly trying not to jump ahead in my mind, but I'm just so happy, I can't help it.

In other news, cause I know my mushy-ness can get on peoples' nerves, Solitary 3.0 is over, and more than ever, I am in love with it. So much so that I am going to try and audition for the next season. That's right, I'm going to be the next #5...or maybe #1 or #7. Either way, I know I have a chance and I'm very confident. I don't even really care about the money, though it would be nice, I'm just aching for the experience and a few minutes of fame. :D

That's all I can say for now. I'm sure I'll write more later, but for now, I've got clothes to finish and a Trotter to go see. :D <3 See ya!

Why?

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:23:19 GMT

It hit me like a cube of ice getting dropped down my shirt. Like when you plunge into icy cold water in the middle of spring. When I walked into that warm building from outside, I was still cold...everything about my existence had been dropped into a pool of chills. I had come to a devastating realization. I was selfish. Sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself. He knows when I am hiding something, or where I'm going to spend my time before coming to his house. Yet, I still have to ask him if he wants me to come over, when I should already know the answer is clearly yes. Maybe I just do it to be polite. Okay, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I just feel like he's taken such a great effort to get to know me and I've...well, I really haven't done much of the same. I mean, I know things about him, based off observations of course. But when I realized just how well he could read me, it really...hit me.

You think I would be thrilled at the fact that I have a boyfriend who understands me so well. And believe me, I am! I just don't know if I can say the same on my end. I felt so bad about his birthday/valentines present. I really didn't think it through. I had done so good on Matt's presents. I did good on Will's presents. I just don't think I'm good enough for him. I was stuck feeling so flattered by his affection that now I'm not sure if I thought anything through. See? Selfish.

But I was scared to examine it any further cause I really want to be happy. I want to be in this relationship and I really care about him. I love the thought and fantasize over becoming a Trotter. And I've never felt more comfortable and happy in another person's arms.

But I am a person who has to ask why. Nothing just is, there has to be a reason, for me. But I'm scared to ask why. I'm scared there won't be a reason or a reason good enough. So I avoid it. I'd rather hurt myself and bottle it up than hurt him. I love him. I don't know why...maybe I don't want to know why...but I do. But I have to. I have to know why. I have to come up with a reason. I have to figure it out. Why?

I'm actually starting to feel panicky. I'm...I'm gonna go take a bath.

Grateful

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 05:54:36 GMT

I've come a long way since a year ago journal. A year ago, I was struggling...in all aspects of life. My relationships, my family, my finances, my school work, my job even...I was miserable. Today, I'm happy. Not everything is perfect...in fact, everything is far from it. But for the 22 year old girl I am, I feel like everything is right. I'm not engaged to Matt anymore. I've been with Russell now for about two months and everything is so...amazing. When he asked me to go out with him, I did not expect for it to turn into what it has, but you know, I am so glad I was wrong. I'm still at Papa Johns, which I figured I would be, and everything is alright there...although I'm actually starting to lean towards finding a new job. I didn't think, however, that I could work with such amazingly awesome people. School is actually coming together and falling nicely into place. And of course, my biggest accomplishment in a year I'd say would have to be moving into this lovely apartment. Yeah, it's lonely. And yeah, it's rather messy right now. But I love it. I get to cook and really experience what it's like to live ON MY OWN! I didn't really feel that way living with Will and Jason. And of course, me and my family get along better now.

I'm just so overwhelmingly happy and grateful for everything I have right now. And I will fight to keep it this way.

Yellow - Redux

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 06:19:03 GMT

I finally did it. I listened to it. I listened to the song I swore I'd never listen to again. And this time, I just knew, I could. As I listened, the old meaning washed away, and a new one stuck to it. Even now, it still resonates in my head. I cried, not as I cried before, out of fear or sadness, but out of pure happiness that the lyrics had actual meaning. It will never become "our song" like it was for me and Matt. But I wanted to be able to hear it again without thinking of it that way. And I did. I finally did and it was bliss. It had new meaning. It was finally something beautiful. My past doesn't matter. His past doesn't matter. What matters is now. What matters is the fulfillment I get when he's here and the emptiness I feel when he's not. The way I can be myself around him without fear. What matters is now. This is what matters.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called yellow.

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know you know I love you so.
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
Cause you were all yellow.

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know for you I'd bleed myself dry,
For you I'd bleed myself dry.

Its true,
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

Clumsy

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 03:36:54 GMT

The other night, I got up to leave Russell's house and nearly tripped as I tried to make my way past his tv and couch. I stumbled over myself and he laughed. "Shut up, I'm clumsy." I muttered. "You better get use to it," I added. "Cause you're going to probably see me trip over myself a million more times."

He laughed and said, "Yeah, I hope I do."

I playfully glared at him and sort of nudged him in the shoulder. "Why are you so mean-"

"Because that means..." He interrupted me. "...that I hope we're together long enough for me to see."

And then my heart literally stopped...

Maybe he hadn't meant it to, but that touched me, and it made me realize that I've been hoping for the exact same thing.

Comfortable

TheMegChan@hotmail.com — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:57:26 GMT

It is my mission now to write in you as much as I can. I need to. Writing is what guides me through the universe. It empowers me. Or maybe it's not the writing itself. Maybe it's the ideas. Either way, I need a new keyboard, cause this one is shit.

Now I forgot what I was gonna write...

But I know I wanted to tell you that I'm happy. I've met someone absolutely wonderful, but in truth, I've known them all along...figuratively and actually. Actually meaning that I knew him when I started out at Papa Johns, I just didn't know I'd end up with him. And figuratively meaning his personality and everything about him draws me in so close and comfortably that I feel like I've known him forever. If there is silence, it is not awkward. If I catch his eye, I feel love. I feel passion. In his arms, I feel safe. I feel...comfortable. A sort of comfort I haven't felt in a long time. I feel secure. I know he's not out to hurt me. I know he speaks the truth. There is no doubt in my mind. I was scared at first and even a little unsure, because I've been down a similar road before. And you see what I had given it up for? But perhaps it was the lesson I needed.

I don't know where this is going but I know where I've been before, and I'm going to do everything now to stay out of my past and focus on what's to come just a bit, but not as much as focusing on the now. When I'm staring into his eyes, I want to hold on to that moment as long as I can...even if it won't last forever. I want to love him for who he is and cherish that, no matter what. If something is an issue, I want to be able to tell him...but not get mad or upset if he can't do anything about it. I just want...to be with him.

I love you, Russell Pierce Trotter. <3